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Re: zoo

Posted: Fri Sep 03, 2021 10:53 pm
by andrewb
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that's draped in bacon. "A bacon tree! We are saved!!" he says. He runs to the tree but is shot up with bullets. It wasn't a bacon tree - it was a ham bush . . . .

Re: zoo

Posted: Fri Oct 15, 2021 11:34 am
by andrewb
The limit on contactless payments has just gone up - Today I accidentally swiped my donor card instead of my debit card .

My shopping cost me an arm and a leg . . .

Re: zoo

Posted: Sat Oct 23, 2021 6:37 pm
by andrewb
Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit - It's a little fit bunny . . . .

Re: zoo

Posted: Thu Nov 18, 2021 5:23 pm
by andrewb
I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriend's bra. I gave up at the end. I wish I never tried it on in the first place. . .

Re: zoo

Posted: Fri Dec 17, 2021 6:05 pm
by andrewb
I just bought a singing laptop - you may have heard of it - its A Dell !

Re: zoo

Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2021 1:23 pm
by andrewb
It’s foggy out there today, just tried to catch some in my hand , but mist !

Re: zoo

Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2021 6:00 pm
by andrewb
If you get an email or phone call offering to teach you how to read maps backwards, just ignore it. It's spam.

Re: zoo

Posted: Wed Jan 19, 2022 2:57 pm
by andrewb
Don't tell secrets in the garden - the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears and the beanstalk . . .

Re: zoo

Posted: Sun Feb 06, 2022 12:28 pm
by andrewb
My wife asked me if I had seen the dog bowl. I said I didn't know he could.

Re: zoo

Posted: Mon Mar 07, 2022 10:56 am
by andrewb
If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges - my door is always open . . .

Re: zoo

Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2022 11:21 pm
by andrewb
I have mixed up the labels on my spice jars - I think my Thyme is Cumin . . .

Re: zoo

Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2022 4:44 pm
by andrewb
Why is it spelled "camouflage" and not

Re: zoo

Posted: Fri Apr 08, 2022 1:25 am
by andrewb
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks "Is this stool taken?"

Re: zoo

Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2022 11:19 am
by andrewb
Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"
She replies, " I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."

Re: zoo

Posted: Sat May 07, 2022 9:20 pm
by andrewb
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy . . .